the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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