I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
