you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
