just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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