There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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