I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
