i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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