i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
