I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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