I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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