if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
