so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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