Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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