The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
