when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
