I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize