idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
