then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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