i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
