I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
