I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
