You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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