Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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