I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
