Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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