Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
