So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
