So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
well you can't waste a boner
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
