My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
