I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
