I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
