a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
