I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Quick, to the slutcave!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
