My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
