You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
