If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
