she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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