dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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