rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
