I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
