My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
