the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
