are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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