I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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