this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
