If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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