If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
