$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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