I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
