Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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