How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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