I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
