I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
whose ass print is on the piano?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
