I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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