You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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