i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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