Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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