1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
