There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He passed out mid-signature
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
